To Mirror Or Not To Mirror?
Forget conventional mirroring techniques. Author Tessa Stowe proposes an alternative to mirroring that is more authentic and effective..
There are a number of courses available that teach you how to
mirror body language in others and how to understand and mirror
people's styles. They suggest that if the person you're talking
with crosses their arms, you should too. They also suggest you
match the other person's voice tone, pacing, and inflections and
do as much as you can to be like them. These techniques are all
focused on mirroring and reflecting in order to help you build
instant rapport.
I propose, however, that instead of building rapport, these
mirroring techniques can destroy it. They can also destroy your
credibility and trust. Why is that?
If you are focusing on mirroring someone's body language or
style, then you are obviously not focusing on them. Instead,
you're keeping the focus on you, e.g. how you are sitting, how
you are talking. It's all about you and not them. The more you
focus on you, the more the person you're mirroring will feel it
and subsequently, no rapport will be established.
If you are focusing on mirroring, your listening skills will
also be impacted. Try mirroring someone's body language while
actively listening and you'll see it's impossible to do both at
the same time. In fact, you'll not be very effective at either.
People will intuitively pick up if you are mirroring them and
will know you're not being authentic. If you're using mirroring
as a "technique" to build rapport, chances are high that the
person you're talking with will intuitively know that you are
using a "technique" on them. They will also conclude you are not
authentic, can't be trusted and are probably trying to
manipulate them. Obviously all rapport is lost in this situation.
If you have decided a person projects a certain style then
effectively you have "judged" that person and put them in a box.
Hence, when you have a conversation with them, you will bring
your judgments along for the ride. All of your listening will be
filtered through your judgments, so you will not really hear
what is being said. People will intuitively pick up on the fact
that you have judged them and this will negatively impact the
flow of the conversation and will therefore negatively impact
rapport.
Forget about consciously mirroring. Instead, come to a
conversation with no judgments and only with the intention of
helping your potential client. You will then find that very
quickly, without you consciously doing ANYTHING, you will
naturally start to mirror their body language and style. When
you have reached the point of subconsciously mirroring someone,
you will know that you are in rapport.
I recommend that from time to time you briefly become the
observer (I say briefly so you do not lose the flow and
connection) in a conversation. Observe your own body language
and that of the person to whom you're talking. Also observe the
way you are talking. You'll probably observe that mirroring is
happening without conscious effort. When you are mirroring
without trying, you are in authentic rapport.
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